“The most basic of all human needs

is the need to understand and be understood.

The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”

~ Ralph G. Nichols

Listening is Not Just Hard, It is Nearly Impossible!

There I sit, knowing that I have a student appointment in a few minutes, so I open my email. Oh, this is important, I need to respond right away. Now my phone goes off, it’s my husband asking about plans after work. I’ll send him a response.  The next email is from a student needing an extension…again. My student walks in nervous about their first coaching conversation. I greet them quickly and invite them to sit while I finish this email. I finish and then greet my student. I’m trying to be present but really, my mind is elsewhere. 

George Bernard Shaw wrote, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” I think that is especially true of listening.

Active listening goes beyond simply hearing words; it involves fully engaging with the speaker, understanding their message, and responding in a way that demonstrates comprehension and empathy. Active listening is a cornerstone of effective communication. It is crucial when working with students who may be apprehensive about meeting with you to make these students feel heard and understood. 

In this chapter, you will learn active listening strategies so that you can effectively coach your students.

Let’s Talk About Some of the Barriers to Listening

Environmental Barriers

Some of you have an office where you can control your environment. If this is you, take a minute and sit in the chair where students sit. Look at your office from their perspective. Are the things around your office reminders of how powerful you are or how approachable you are? Are there small fixes that you can do to make your students more comfortable?

If you meet students in an open location like the library or a coffee shop, scout it out beforehand. Are there TVs and moving billboards? Are there windows that overlook a busy street?  If possible, sit in a place where you can minimize these distractions.

Regardless of where you meet a student, be aware of the impact of the listening environment and consider its impact on both you and the student.

Electronic Barriers

A computer screen between you and your student is a barrier. When possible, close your laptop or turn the screen off. This helps create a space for eye contact and engagement.  Fun fact, when your smartphone is in view, you will look at it even if it is turned off.  Studies suggest that a visible phone, even when turned off, can signal to students that you have divided attention. That glance at your phone or computer can send a powerful message to your student. It says that you are not fully present.

In case you haven’t heard of it, there is a term for looking at your phone or watch, it’s called phubbing–phone snubbing. Research suggests that it is harmful to relationships. Phubbing inadvertently signals that someone not present (the person on your phone, watch, or computer) is more important than the person you’re with.

To avoid distractions. Turning off your computer, or at a minimum turning off notifications. Put your phone on silent and out of view. These little things are big things when it comes to making others feel respected and valued.

Body Language of Listening

Our nonverbal cues can significantly influence how students perceive our attentiveness and openness.  Research in nonverbal communication has identified several key behaviors that, when used appropriately, can foster positive connections:

• Maintaining appropriate eye contact
• Adopting an open body orientation (facing the student, uncrossed arms and legs)
• Leaning slightly forward to show engagement
• Nodding occasionally to show understanding

Of course, we should always consider the context, culture, and individual comfort levels when applying these techniques.

The challenge for coaches lies in balancing two aspects of body language–projecting open and attentive nonverbal cues while avoiding overinterpretation of students’ body language. While we strive to present ourselves as active listeners, we must be cautious about drawing hasty conclusions from our students’ nonverbal signals. When we “read” our students, there are many reasons that they might not have the body language that we expect.  Crossed arms might not mean they are defensive, it might mean they are cold (or they are hiding the chili stain on the front of their shirt.)

Focus on creating a welcoming environment through your body language while maintaining an open mind about the student’s nonverbal cues.

To further explore the complexities of interpreting body language in coaching sessions, consider the following scenarios:

Using Self-Talk to Motivate You to Listen

We all have internal dialogues running through our heads at any given time. This self-talk can be a friend or foe when listening. It can be a problem when our internal thoughts are keeping us from listening to others and it can be a positive thing if we use that self-talk to remind us to listen. Here are four ways to help self-talk work for you: Covert coaching, covert questioning, self-reinforcement, and bracketing.

   Making Self Talk Work For You Not Against You

Listen to Know if They Want to Be Helped or to Be Heard

There are many reasons that students come to us as coaches. In many cases, it is because they have a problem and need help, but in some cases, they just need to be heard. Taking the time to listen first and ask clarifying questions helps you know how to proceed.

Check Your Bias

As coaches, we must recognize that we all have biases that can affect our ability to listen and accurately assess a student’s situation. One such bias is the ‘just-world hypothesis,’ a cognitive bias that can significantly impact our interactions with students.

The just-world hypothesis is the tendency to believe that people generally get what they deserve. This belief suggests that if someone experiences misfortune, they must have done something to bring it upon themselves. Conversely, it assumes that those who succeed or experience positive outcomes must have earned good fortune through their actions or character. It is important to recognize that it’s often a faulty assumption and that life is complex, and many factors beyond an individual’s control can influence their experiences and outcomes. As coaches, we need to be aware of how this bias might influence our listening and, consequently, our responses to students. To provide the best possible support, we must strive to listen without judgment, recognizing that a student’s challenges may result from various factors, many of which are outside their control. By acknowledging and working to mitigate this bias, we can not only become better listeners, but we can offer more compassionate, nuanced, and effective assistance to students facing difficulties.

Use Rephrasing to Do a Listening Check

Periodically check to make sure you fully understand the situation. Rephrasing what they said, shows that you are actively listening, allows the student to clarify any misunderstandings, and helps both coach and student stay focused. To effectively rephrase, try phrases like:

• It sounds like
• You mentioned…can you say more about that
• If I understand this correctly…
• What I heard you saying was…
• Let me make sure I’ve got this right. You’re saying that…

You can encourage elaboration by asking them to expand and give you more information.

• Can you give me an example?
• Can you tell me more about that?
• What do you think contributed to that situation?

The goal isn’t perfection in technique, but rather being present and genuinely striving to understand the student’s perspective. Effective coaching is rooted in ensuring the student feels heard and understood. This approach allows us to provide informed guidance that genuinely supports the student’s success.

Use Active Listening Strategies Active listening is a fundamental skill for academic coaches that requires intention, effort, and consistent practice. It is not just about hearing words, but about understanding the complete message being conveyed. Coaches should use the following active listening strategies. Give your student your undivided attention Keep open and friendly body language Tame distracting self-talk by bracketing, covert questioning, covert coaching, and self-reinforcement Provide verbal and nonverbal feedback that you are listening to the student Restate the message to make sure you heard what they were saying

Review

Remember that listening is an active process that requires conscious effort, practice, and self-awareness. By creating an inviting environment, managing distractions, being mindful of body language, and employing strategies like self-talk management and bias checking, you can significantly enhance your ability to truly hear and understand your students.

Remember, the goal isn’t perfection, but to be fully present. Each interaction is an opportunity to improve, to connect more deeply, and to provide more meaningful support. Active listening is the foundation upon which transformative coaching relationships are built.

Never underestimate the power of truly listening.

Unit Review

We do not learn from experience…we learn from reflecting on experience.

– John Dewey

Coaching is about helping our students do great in college, but not by doing the work for them. We do our best coaching when helping students reach their academic or personal goals by focusing on their strengths and encouraging them to take charge of their own learning. The key coaching concepts are believing that students know themselves best, that coaching empowers students to become independent learners, and that coaching is a partnership, an agreement to work together with students in a supportive, collaborative way.

The secret sauce to it all? Active listening skills and building strong, trusting relationships with our students. As a coach, your ability to truly hear and understand your students is essential for their success and your effectiveness. Active listening is a skill that takes conscious effort, practice, and self-awareness. By creating a welcoming environment, managing distractions, being mindful of body language, and using techniques like managing self-talk and checking biases, you can significantly enhance your ability to connect with your students.

The goal isn’t perfection but presence. Each coaching session is a chance to improve, connect more deeply, and offer meaningful support. As you apply these listening strategies, not only will your students feel more heard and understood, but your own ability to guide them will also strengthen. Listening is the foundation of transformative coaching relationships.

The conversations we have with our students are not just random chit-chat. Great academic coaching conversations are all about creating structured and purposeful interactions. By using the steps outlined in this unit— building good relationships, setting clear goals, exploring options, and making plans—we can guide students toward better self-awareness and academic success. Coaching conversations allow us to ask students powerful questions to spark reflection and action. Practicing and refining your coaching skills will help your conversations become more impactful, ultimately helping students unlock their full potential and approach their academic journey with confidence.

Extra Resources

The Art of Listening
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpnNsSyDw-g&t=227s

5 Ways to Listen Better by Julia Treasure

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSohjlYQI2A

References

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Prigg, M. (2012, October 9). Mobile manners: How even putting your phone on the dinner table can convince your friends you don’t care. Daily Mail. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2213456/How-putting-phone-dinner-table-convince-friends-dont-care.html

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AI acknowledgment: This work was written by the author in its entirety. Claude AI was then used to refine some of the wording. Claude AI was also used to proofread the reference page.